Lost In Thought

2003-07-13T22:06:00.000-07:00

song: vanessa carlton - thousand miles

guess it's been a while. i just wanted to start this again because i cant stand not....i dont know...expressing more. oh well, im back here, so that sort of tells you something...maybe not.

first off, i just feel so restricted lately. i get a hunch it's because i haven't had the time to just sit down and express them. i thought i was so expressive in my pieces (i.e. subprofile/profile/journal) last year. well, i had a subprofile that i didnt update for a while. when i look back, it didnt look as if i expressed a lot of things too. so i was basically the same in a sense. only i had much more time to sit down and say the things i wanted to say.

right now i feel sort of tired out from that long walk i took. i felt really disinterested in the stuff i saw although i had the money to spend, i just didnt feel like buying.

this year's summer is better. i like the time i get to myself. and i dont mind that people disregard me now. it's like i've accepted that i'll always be the misfit no matter how hard i'll try to fit in. in a way, im lucky to have figured this out and gone through all that pain last summer, because i came out with more understanding to people.

to ellen: i've read ur journal online and yah ur gonna get through this and at the end, u'll have a better understanding. the understanding is worth the pain. be strong and carry on and you'll see people in a different light in the end. i know, it's painful as hell, but that's how it goes: with pain comes compassion and understanding. be strong and carry on, and do NOT let comparisons ruin your ambitions. i know you'll get through this.

2003-05-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

song:bond - fuego

the unofficial start of summer. interesting, it's too gloomy to be called summer.

i went to the getty center with my cousin, her b/f, brother and sister. it was fun, since i got to go down to the gardens this time (i went in 8th grade as a field trip and never made it down there). took pictures there, blah blah, all that. if it were up to me, i would have not taken a single picture. i would be too wrapped up in the moment to think about capturing it on film.

went to look at art. my cousin said she would take me there for about two months now. and here it is, the day that i finally go and look at the paintings i've only been looking at in books. im happy that i recognize some paintings i've seen in the books, and some that i've never seem before from Renoir (artist that i've read lots about). in comparison to two years ago, i wasnt as excited as then. i thought i would be more. but the style of the getty didnt really appeal to me any more. i hope it was just the weather that's giving me this idea.

2003-05-18T18:53:00.000-07:00

song: nat king and natalie cole - unforgetable

another weekend spent. what did i do yesterday? i could barely remember. oh..yah..i went to get one shot, but instead they gave me two and they told me i had to get a third one in six months. it wasnt too bad, but i slept on one of my arms last night. i woke up with pain on that arm =(. went to run errands earlier yesterday and bought some essential things for myself hehe..so that balances out the two shots i got later in the day.

okay, now back to today. spent the morning being bored (should have done some hw..but oh well, i procrastinate). then went out walking just for the heck of it. my last stop was that 99 ranch outlet in sg. it was sunday, so some1 was having a wedding reception in the resturaunt. with the weather like it was (around 6pm or something), iono...it was just so, sad (in the nice movie way) to just sit there and watch. lol..gosh..im really messed up..i think wedding receptions are sad. let's just say i cant think of the right word other than sad for it now.

my mom wants to take us to yellowstone over the summer. that's only a place where she's taking us..i hope, but yellowstone is the major event this year. last year was vegas and the year before was san francisco. this year was suppose to be thailand (i protested), but due to sars...heh..guess it's cancelled.

2003-05-10T19:58:00.000-07:00

song: carly simon - my romance

woke up at 4:30 today and i couldnt go back to sleep. i tried, but i couldnt. so i sorta had a light and unrestful sleep, but all in all, some more sleep.

got out of bed at 6:30. went to school by 7:35. waited for ppl to arrive and went to pick up some1 else by 8:20. got onto wrong freeways, stopped so raymond can pee and ppl could buy lunch. then got back on freeway. messed with tape recording. nhan laughs a lot. drove for long time, then arrived at beach. at last.

beach: fairly clean, with tar lots of tar particles and cigarette buds. nhan found dead fish and was determined to discect it (eck). got tired. rested on beach. stepped into the water and walked around..thinking. water was cold and clear (beautiful). used rake to draw name in sand. weird thing: i found seaweed that was in the shape of my initials...

lunch came and gone. played mafia. funny. came home. was tired. almost fell asleep in van. was determined not to.

went out after with cousin and her b/f to return some stuff. oye..was okay until i fell asleep in car. it got worse when they started making fun of me (evil!) =/

came home, brother and sister overheard about stuff..and they were making fun of me too (oye)...

2003-05-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

song: ivy - while we're in love

well, i went to another 4-h meeting today. it was quite productive. now all of us (my group) will have to pitch in to make our project reality. i think my group will be a great group in time; all of us being commited =b.

i didnt eat for the WHOLE day! so i couldnt get through that meeting without food. i jacked gabriel's money (lol...deserves it) and bought myself boba and chips. sure enough..he had a way to get back at me: he took one of my papers which was one of my note to somebody (eh...i give u a clue about the note: footsie). ah! i gave up and let him read it, turns out, he didnt get the first part, which was the most important part!

we did an icebreaker b4 the meeting actually started. each one of us had to write a compliment about some1 else in the club and put in fishbowl to be read out loud. i wrote one to phuong...i was suppose to put: you are very smart and careful. but when some1 read it out...it read: you are very small and careful. LOL! im so sorry. i got two compliments....one about me being hilarious and one about my poetry, which i thought was really swt..hehe.

2003-05-03T19:23:00.000-07:00

song: 50 cent - 21 questions

i got myself to think about my situation again. guess it's nothing. be happy for me, because im happy for you. -to some1 in which i will not name.

rain is nice in cali. i was in a car for practically the whole time it rained. i got to see downtown la when it's raining. contrary to what i would think, it wasnt depressing to me. it may be dirty and everything down there, but the people arent bitter and mean, unlike the stereotypes may have them.

the rain was crazy though, flooded the streets and made them into rivers.

2003-05-01T22:43:00.000-07:00

song: air supply - without you

heh. i have a person that looks up to me, which is quite weird. oh well, must not let ppl down =b

i was there for open house today. too many papers to hand out, too less ppl to hand them out to. so what did we do? we gave them to the trash can, some of us. haha, some of us were nice enough to hand them to other ppl to give to the parents and whoever needed it. eh..yes..thank goodness none of the environmental ppl were there, kill some of the ppl who were throwing away these things...oh well, tired and headachey, so me go sleep. 99, wet dreams! lol

2003-04-29T18:56:00.000-07:00

song: ozma - immigration song

only a few more weeks. cant wait till i dont see u guys ne more! haha..jm. i think im just gonna aimlessly wander around this summer and not have any solid plans. im going to catch up on this spiritual quest i have put aside for a while now. i tried to catch up on it this week, but i didnt have much time or patience for it. so summer, when everything is calmed and there are no solid schedules of anything, i shall find peace..lol.

as for now i have solid schedules to conquer. busy life outside of school to manage. *sigh*...i want to get away frm it all and just escape for one day to the beach...wonder if my auntie can take me over weekend...i just want to sit and stare off into the ocean...

2003-04-26T20:30:00.000-07:00

song: santana feat. musiq - nothing at all

my feet have new blisters on them due to me walking in the wrong shoes yet again. went to west covina mall and walked for like 2-3 hours? i dunno. i didnt buy much though. it was fun just listening to this one grl laugh all weirdly. it was also fun to see that there was not a single person i recognize in that place....good. went to best buy only to not buy anything from there. my brother's in search for a good burner...blah. i ditched him here and went to barnes and nobles to buy something i wanted to buy last week.

my feet were already bad enough when i got home. but my mom insisted that we go buy new pants. so i went...was soo bored and sleepy by then. then when i got into the car and i turned on my music (john mayer album i've been listening to for the last week), all of a sudden i was awake and happy again. eh..i got my reasons...

im suprised my feet arent all bloody and mangled now. listening to this one song over and over again...cuz it makes me happy =D..tired..but happy.

2003-04-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

song: baby face - reason for breathing

give me a weekend and i'll wake up at 8:10 in the morning usually. let me stay up till one in the morning on saturdays and u'll find me naturally standing up on my two feet by 9:00 in the morning the next day. weird, but i love my weekends. well, for the most part.

places i went to today? hmm...first off to chinatown to run errands and buy stuff. then off to b+b's house to plant flowers, tie ribbons, and join the insanity that is carrie. then off to buy food, acessories for my computer and house . went to drug store (no...not the illegal kind lol) to buy stuff for self. finally to the market to buy myself some ice-cream (oOOOoo...choc-o-late!)

been a long time since i stayed home and ate a home-made meal over the weekend. nope, i wont have that luxury tomorrow yet again. hahaha, oh well.

2003-04-17T18:22:00.000-07:00

song: matchbox twenty - unwell

it's been a long time since i took decent nap. stupid notes, stupid english, hate the bald man who teaches it! made me miss all my hw! im just glad there's no looking up the damn notes (like it's helped me to write that once sentence thesis statement) today. i need to catch up on hw for my other classes.

today i carried around this interesting book. i let about a few take the quiz. i predicted their answers correctly b4 they took the test (well...most of them i think). the four color types are red, blue, white, and yellow. im a blue, but i display the four color types though. heh, i take the best/worst out of every1 if i have to hahaha.

2003-04-13T21:31:00.000-07:00

song: switchfoot - only hope

went out walking today...in the wrong shoes! never ever go walking with slightly elevated slippers that fit ur foot snug tight! mg...i think my feet has blisters now. ne ways...the walk was nice. fresh air, got myself out of the house for once.

things change. accept it. people need to get a move on. move one urself. dont sit around waiting for people to change back to who they once where. they're probably not going to.

should i move?

2003-04-10T21:17:00.000-07:00

song: etta james - at last

usually i can think and say. today i just cant do that. if i do a lot of things would come out right here that i dont want to come out now. so what do i have? a poem? no. i cant, not enough inspiration. senseless rantings? again, that would say too much. so i sit here, feeling myself grow into a nothing.

2003-04-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

song: ben kweller - falling

i got a poem i want to put here.

Third Window
A dream from making it a reality
Touched heart
Warmed over fate
Filed down by the near-sightedness,
Cooled down;
Fallen apart.

Created sadness
Overtaken
Underneath and mistaken
To the depths
It goes
Cleansed
And down the mind
It flows.

2003-04-05T22:07:00.000-08:00

song: tyrese - how you gonna act like that

im tired today. it feels like millions and millions of thoughts rushed in my head from the time i woke up and till now. they are still rushing through my head. great wonderful times where analysis was not needed to the distinct painful times where i cannot open my eyes for long for the fear of my tears falling frm them.

i was tired. life seemed to shift endlessly everyday. uncertainty came with time. change seemed eminent, as much as i protested. as much as i voiced my words, felt my thoughts, or took care of the people, nothing worked. nothing worked and i had to disappear.

change came with disappearance. so much that i dont recognize anything any longer.

2003-04-04T11:43:00.000-08:00

song: mindless self indulgence - faggot

i knew it was too good to last forever. this calm where shit wont happen. i dont think i have anyway to express the anger, the pain, the negativity lurking in me any longer. why should i? it's not like anyone really cares. i tell, they just think it's just a fucken story im telling them. screw who ever says that. i mean, fuck, they dont know they got real people at their hands. everything's happy to them, even if someone's crying in front of their fucken face. man, screw those fake asses. i dont like talking to them, and i swear, as long as i can help it, i will never ever talk to those fakes and phonies any more.

yah, that's right. i dont care for those people, even if i talked to them before and tried to treat them right. yah, that's right, im pissed and i cant even tell the person that pissed me off cuz she's too fucken fake to talk to. she'll just shove it off somewhere else and dismiss it.

you know what deep down inside, im really tired. i want to move/just end my life here. i dont see a great ass future for myself anyways. but u know what? im too much of an ass to do any thing so i still exsist. im still here arent i?

2003-04-03T12:32:00.000-08:00

song: frou frou - breathe in

i really guard my emotions towards many people. i dont like telling them about my vulnerbility and all that. when i let my guard down, it's because the other person has let their guard down as well. i dont mind sharing certain things, but other things, i hide until i think it's safe to say something about it.

that wasnt me a few months ago. i wonder if this is affecting any of my writing, since i havent written poetry in a while. i use to open my big mouth about everything and then let things fly around by themselves. i guess, it's because i've been hurt by that method too many times to go on doing that.

yes, "magic" doesnt lasts forever, but if one is lucky, it does sustain its time and slowly fade into a distant memory. for the "magic" is what gives life its meaning. "magic" produces life's ups and downs or drama as some may call it. "magic" creates passion in one, provokes anger, and gives love its mystery and reknown spark. (note that magic is in quotations).

2003-04-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

song: eminem - sing for the moment

i went to chinatown for the whole morning today. it was busier than i would expect on a wednesday. walked around, bought stuff, family got seperated into like 4 bits and pieces around chinatown.

i went to buy some things in this store and i saw something that i could buy for my mom. so i bought it. i walk across the street to wait for ne1 in my family to come along. so my mom and brother come along first. my brother saw me and saw that i was hiding something so he ran across the street and accidentally kicked me in the toe and tried to grab the bag away frm me. dumbass, he got my toe bleeding. walked a lil more. and then went home with very little gas in my dad's car.

tired when i got home and went to sleep for a long long time. i think for a while, i dreamt of being in a car wash..not sure anymore.

part of my family went of to chinatown again, but this time to run errands. thank god i refused to go. too tired, and my toe's broken =(

2003-03-31T16:17:00.000-08:00

song: john mayer - back to you

tired. tired from boredom. tired. tired from all the thoughts swirling in my head that shouldnt be swirling in my head now. confused. confused at all things in life that was suppose to convey meaning, emotion, and what not, but doesnt for me lately. possibly due to my lack of interest.

yes, conversation means a lot to me. but when a person tries to chat me up but doesnt seem to be quite that interesting, i space out and look around my surroundings. i also do that space and and look at surroundings thing when im tired, or just not interested in what anyone says at that point, so dont be offended when i do that =b.

so i talked to sylvia online today. she reminded me about this dream i had over the summer. what i find interesting is that one of my dreams came true (by any means, i dont mean that as a cliché). what's fascinating is that it involved my past life and what my present life is. turns out, in some symbolic terms and literal terms in this dream, it was all relevant and strikingly true in life. to me, at least.

2003-03-30T12:28:00.000-08:00

song: utada hikaru - automatic

i was suppose to take vannie out to buy some stuff for her burnt face (due to a track meet, and so she says), but she went to chinese school, so i couldnt. so i went with brother, sister, and aunt. didn't walk this time, but drove (ooOOoo). good thing we did because it was BURNING hot out there.

so i went to big five because my brother wanted to buy more weight thingies. i protested and said that we dont have space at home ne more for his crap. good thing he listened to me because when we came home, it turned out that we really didnt have space for that punching bag. after being in that store (which was less messier today) for half an hour or so, we finally went to a place to eat. eh...i'd rather be home and eat now rather than going out every weekend or so eating here and there (strange huh?).

what's next? i hope my aunt takes the day off so we can go to the beach. good day for that, but i doubt we'll be going. so im gonna take this day to relax at home...feeling the fat on my legs grow and grow...=/...that's it, im gonna go and run tomorrow early in the morning...

2003-03-29T22:17:00.000-08:00

song: stevie wonder - overjoyed

today was quite interesting. we celebrated our sister's birthday today, even though her birthday was yesterday. our cousin came over and visited and everything. everything was all right i guess. took nap because it got boring.

woke up and played tetris. went to costco and bought nothing. came home to find that my brother was still online. i wanted to be online and he was on the whole day talking to a grl, i think. so i didnt bug him until 8 in the night. for some reason, im on restriction and he's not. that dumbass talks more than me! i keep telling my parents that, but all they say is "do u want to listen to me or what?" wth...

so i get online and bunch of ppl i/m me. i was happy for some reason..dunno, but john john i/ms me first and askes sup sup and talked for a while. turns out that im not that happy after all at that point, but everything worked out for the better i guess.

right now, i got only 15 minutes b4 my mom yells at me for being on again. so unfair.

2003-03-28T17:10:00.000-08:00

song: craig david and sting - rise and fall

so here it is. spring break. sunny. nice breeze. great weather. what next?

i say lets go places. first of all, all trips out of the state and/or city are canceled for me due to my dad's jury duty. my cousin's frm hawaii arent coming over due to the war =( so what's next? here's what i want to do (hope i can do them): 1 - go shopping @ west covina, 2 - hang out with friends possibly and take pictures! 3 - hang out with family (yes, i want time with them too =b ) and 4 - go online and talk to my peoples (particularly my son lol). let's see if i can do all that.

academic rally today. fun and my throat is sorta sore from yelling lol. freshman looked bored and uninterested and of course the seniors won the class competition. ne ways: sophomores still rule! lol

2003-03-27T21:34:00.000-08:00

hey! im following in the steps of the many people who have blogs. first it was the html-lover thanh (who helped me make the layout [thanks!]) then it was my weird lesbo friend vannie, and then ellen. so i had this account for a while, but i never did ne thing to it, so i guess i start now.

first thing i must say is that this year has been the weirdest one so far. there are my hates and loves. learning about self and others, and changing my life drastically in only mere months.

my acknowledgements to the people who have helped me along (in this one particular situation) is as far as it goes as for now:
nhan: as far as i know, ur the person that gave me the courage to move on in my life. i shall never forget the times where i was showed much of my emotion in 2nd to you and u handled it quite well. i thank u for that
lucy: u comforted me when no one else did. thank you very much for handling my tears so well and my anger so nicely.
ellen: u went through some tough times with me, and for now, we are stronger than wut happened. i thank u for trying to work things out, even though the resolution was one that either one of us wouldn't expect. i am very lucky to have a friend like you.
vu hey mr dumbass! lol. well cant forget u cant i? see, u played a bigger role than u would ever imagine in the past few months in my decisions. thank you for putting up with me like no other guy has ever did (cuz most guys would ignore me after the first time i yell at them), and u put up with my senseless rantings more than you need to. but in return, i am ur mentor (as u would call me: mommy) =b lol. hope ur decisions in life dont involve too much pain and blood on ur part.

so yes, my life is better cuz of them. good friends i say, for putting up with my blubbering. =)

2003-03-26T18:27:00.000-08:00

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2003-03-26T18:19:00.000-08:00

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